Thoughtless
by ShastenRothe
Summary: Ray has been keeping his dark past a secret. He has been running from it for quite some time now, until it finally catches up with him.
1. Haunting

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AFFILIATED WITH ER, YADA YADA YADA. I WILL OWN SOME FUTURE CHARACTERS, BUT I WON'T CLAIM THOSE UNTIL THEY SHOW UP IN THE STORY.

He lay in his bed, his head sunk back into the pillows. His hazel eyes

were fixed upon the ceiling fan, watching it rotate one turn after another.

He had given up on sleep, knowing any attempt would be a waste. The

clock on his bedside table read 3:26 a.m. Four hours had passed. For

four hours, he had laid in bed. Thinking. Remembering.

* * *

The moment had been almost surreal. He had walked into the 

apartment, tired from work. After sifting through the mail, he glanced at

the answering machine. A red light was flashing. He pressed a button.

"Message One. Left at 6:46 p.m."

'This is Time Warner Cable reminding you that your payment is due on April 16th.

Thank you." He pressed delete.

" Message Two. Left at 8:14 p.m."

'Hi. My name is Dan. I'm calling to see if you would be interested in

purchasing…." Delete.

" Last message. Left at 10:57 p.m."

'Ray, are you there? It's me. I'm in Chicago. I just wanted to see…I wanted to hear your voice. Ray, I'm so sorry."

* * *

The message ended there. By that point, Ray was frozen. His heart 

was racing. His hands became damp with sweat. His throat felt as if it

were swelled shut. He struggled to catch a breath, too shocked to

move. And then he was running. To the bathroom. Ray fell on his

knees, in front of the toilet, his breathing now fast and hard. He began

heaving uncontrollably. The vomit just kept coming until Ray was

certain his stomach was empty. He stood on shaky legs, flushing as he

did so.

After a quick swig of water then mouthwash, Ray glanced at himself

in the mirror. His ghost white complexion looked back. This wasn't

happening. Ray stumbled into his bedroom, stopping just long enough

to strip down to a t-shirt and bowers before he collapsed into bed.

* * *

That's how he wound up. That's why he couldn't sleep. That one 

message had been haunting him for four hours. The words played over

and over, making Ray shiver as the voice rang loudly in his ears. The

voice. HER voice. The voice that he had never wanted to hear again.

The voice that he had been running from for over ten years.


	2. Better Days

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AFFILIATED WITH ER, YADA YADA YADA. I WILL OWN SOME FUTURE CHARACTERS, BUT I WON'T CLAIM THOSE UNTIL THEY SHOW UP IN THE STORY.

* * *

Author's Note: This isn't as "suspenseful" as the previous chapter. Just a kind of 'inbetween' chapter. I appreciate all the reviews. Keep them coming. Trust me, it's going to get better.

* * *

Somewhere around 6:00 a.m. Ray nodded off, only to be awoken by 

his alarm at 6:30. After muttering a string of curses, Ray dragged his

extremely lethargic body into the kitchen. He found a new coffee filter

and promptly placed it in the coffee maker. After loading the Mr.

Coffee to its maximum capacity, Ray stumbled into the bathroom. He

stepped into the shower, immediately blasting on the warm water. Ray

quickly rubbed a glob of shampoo into his brown hair then lathered

Ivory soap over his body. Stepping back under the showerhead, he

closed his eyes as the water ran down his face. He wanted to stay like

this. Inside. Cut off from the outside world. The warm water running

down his face. His own place of tranquility. Away from it all. Alone.

* * *

After pulling on a plain charcoal gray shirt and jeans, Ray put on his 

guitar pick necklace and black wrist cuff before heading back to the

kitchen. 6:45 read the clock.

'Fifteen minutes to get to work,' he thought as he dumped the contents

of the coffee pot into a silver mug. Ray snapped on the lid and threw

his bag over his shoulders. He left his skateboard by the door as he

exited. He'd have to take the El train if he wanted to make it to work on

time. After digging out his El pass, Ray took the stairs two at a time

until he reached the platform. A train was waiting, its doors open.

" Just in time buddy," noted a man as Ray stepped into a compartment,

the doors sliding shut behind him.

Ray gave a half hearted smile as he walked to the back of the

compartment and sat down. The commotion of the train was soon

drowned out by loud guitar riffs coming from Ray's MP3 player. He

turned his body so he could glance out the window instead of making

eye contact with anyone. Ray was pleased to see dark clouds lingering

in the sky, matching his sullen mood. He removed the coffee cup from

the side of his bag and began greedily sipping as he settled back,

waiting for the ten minute ride to end.

* * *

The train suddenly lurched to a stop causing Ray to slip out of the 

fog he was in. It was his stop. He slung his bag over his back and

pocketed his MP3 player as the doors opened. Ray was met by a mad

rush of people as he stepped off. Quickly he checked his watch as he

made his was down the metal staircase. 6:57. Three minutes. He

reached the bottom of the staircase and made a quick stop at the

'Roach Coach.' Ray grabbed two cans of Red Bull, handed the man a

five, and moved on. The ambulance bay was empty as he passed it. Its

only occupant was an orderly named Jimmy, who was smoking a

cigarette. Ray walked around to the main entrance, finishing one of the

cans of Red Bull as he did so. The usual chaos of the ER greeted him

as he grabbed his time card and punched it. 7:00 on the dot.

'Ha, look at that Lewis,' he said to himself, 'Barnett's on time.'

* * *

Ray crossed the hall to the lounge where he found Abby standing at 

her locker, pulling on her lab coat.

" You look like shit," she said observantly as he opened his locker.

" Thanks Abby. Good morning to you too," he replied snidely.

" All right then Mr. Pleasant."

For your information, this is me on half an hour of sleep, a Thermos of

coffee, and a Red Bull," Ray stated as he pulled on his lab coat and

stethoscope.

" Wow. Late night gig or something?" she questioned as Ray opened

the second can of Red Bull as they exited to the front desk.

" None of your damn business," was the reply given as Susan and

Carter approached them and the others.

* * *

" All right. Mr. Calentine in four is waiting on a chest x-ray. Cora 

Jeffries is waiting to be discharged as well as Drake Paulson, Max

Everett, Jennie Larason, and Vanessa Carper. Collin Burke and his

mother are in Exam One waiting for Collin to 'pass' Mrs. Burke's

wedding ring. There's a rule out appy in three waiting on a consult, and

that's it for now," finished Susan as she glanced at the group.

Any questions?" No one spoke up.

" They're all yours Carter," she said, handing him a stack of charts

before she headed for the lounge.

* * *

" All right, Neela. Why don't you take Ms. Jeffries and Mr. Paulson 

their discharge papers and instructions? Abby, take Max, Jennie, and

Vanessa."

" Um…what about me?" questioned Ray as the other walked off to

their assignments.

" Let's go in here," Carter said as he led an a lethargic Ray into an

empty exam room.

" What's this about?" Ray asked, as he finished the Red Bull and

chucked it into a waste bin.

If this is about me wearing my eyebrow stud the other day…..I

couldn't take it out because it was infected."

" It's not about the eyebrow stud. I just want to know if you're feeling

okay. You look like you've seen better days."

" I have," he muttered.

" What?"

" What is it with everyone telling me I look like shit today?"

" Maybe it's because you do Ray."

" Look. I didn't get much sleep last night, okay? That's it."

" Are you sure?" Carter asked, glancing into Ray's eyes.

" Yes I'm sure!" he replied defensively, immediately looking away from

Carter.

" Are you going to be okay to work or should I consider you as a

liability?"

" I'm fine," Ray replied as he stormed out of the room, leaving Carter

alone with his suspicions.


	3. Intuition

Author's Note: YAY! My internet is FINALLY working. I would have updated last night, but I was so tired. I kinda lied about the whole phone call thing. That's comes up after this chapter. I all ready have the next chapter after this finished and I will update it later today. Enjoy!

* * *

Luka was standing at the front desk when suddenly Ray ran out from an Exam room,looking extremely angry. Carter was behind him, looking equally puzzled.

" What just happened?" asked the foreign doctor.

" I don't really know," answered Carter.

It felt like he was hiding something. It was almost as if I could see it in his eyes.

There's something going on in that head of his."

" What do you think is wrong?"

" Luka, it's Ray. That kid is an emotional train wreck. There are endless possibilities.

He's in a fight with his 'band mates.' The band broke up. He broke a guitar string….."

" Is he able to work?"

" He says he didn't get much sleep last night. I asked him whether or not I should

consider him a liability. That's when he got angry, told me he was fine, and stormed out."

" Are you going to take his word on it?"

" I have to Luka. He hasn't done anything to warrant my sending him home yet."

" Yet," said Luka, emphasizing the word.

" Look. For all I know, Ray is telling the truth. He simply didn't get enough sleep.

He's tired and worn out," Carter stated naively.

" Or there's something wrong," Luka reiterated as he walked away.

* * *

" So. What exactly went on last night? You never told me," said Abby 

as she approached Ray outside in the ambulance bay.

" If I recall, I told you it was none of your business."

" Actually, you said it was none of my damn business."

" Whatever," replied an irritated Ray.

" So what did Carter want earlier?" asked Abby, changing the subject.

" Again, none of your damn business. Don't you have work to do or something?" he snapped.

" Ha! Ray Barnett talking about work."

" Look. Abby, do me a favor."

" What exactly would that entail?"

" Go away."

" Has the Red Bull worn off or something? Because you're acting like yourself again."

" And how is that?"

" Like an ass."

" I wouldn't be such an ass if you would just leave me alone.

I came out here for some peace and quiet," Ray stated as he picked up a basketball.

He quickly dribbled it before sinking it in the net.

" Fine. Maybe you should try to get some sleep tonight. I don't want to have to work with you tomorrow if you're going to be like this," Abby said as she turned to go back inside. The familiar wail of a siren sounded, signaling an incoming patient.

" Looks like you're not going to get your peace and quiet."

" Bite me," he retorted as the ambulance backed in.

" You wish," Abby replied, walking inside.

* * *

" Gregg Marton, 34. Multiple GSW's to the chest. BP's 90/70. 

He's lost three liters all ready. We tubed him in the rig," reeled off a paramedic as they unloaded a stretcher from the back of the ambulance.

" Trauma One," shouted Pratt as he met up with Ray.

" Sam, get four units of type specific from the blood bank.

He's lost a lot of blood," stated Ray as they entered Trauma One.

On my count. One. Two. Three."

" Let's roll him and see if any of the bullets went through. One, two, three." Pratt and Ray grabbed onto the man's side and gently rolled him.

" Look's like we have two that are still inside. Call Dubenko and make sure there's an OR ready.

We'll take him up a.s.a.p.," Pratt explained to a nurse.

" He's crashing."

" Push the Epy and charge the paddles to 300," ordered Ray.

" Paddles charged," announced Sam as she handed the paddles to Ray.

" Clear."

Charge to 360. Clear."

" Nothing. He's in asystole," reported Sam.

" Start CPR," Pratt said to Ray as he took the paddles.

Push another round of Epy. Charge again to 360."

" Still no rhythm."

" Resume CPR. Charge again."

" Charging 360.Clear."

" He's losing the blood as fast as I can run it in," Sam said.

" Stop compressions. We'll never get him back," reasoned Pratt.

The blood loss is too rapid. His aorta is probably shredded."

"Are you going to call it?" asked Sam as Chuny entered.

" The police just brought the family in," she said.

" Where are they?"

" The family room."

" Time of death, 18:36," said Pratt as he looked at the clock. Let's go talk to the family." With that, monitors were turned off as Pratt and Ray left.

* * *

Ray was the first to enter the room. A disheveled woman sat in a plastic chair,a wad of tissues clumped in her hands. Three children, a girl and two boys sat on the floor by her feet. The oldest looked to be no more than seven. 

'What a great way to end the day,' he said to himself as Pratt entered.

" Ms. Marton. I'm Doctor Pratt and this is Doctor Barnett.

We were the ones that worked on your husband when he was brought in."

" The police said he was shot," said Mrs. Marton.

" Why don't we step outside and talk? Doctor Barnett can stay with your kids," he suggested. Mrs. Marton stood and exited with Pratt, leaving Ray to sit on the floor with the three kids.

" My name is Ray. What are your names?"

" Charlie."

" Justin."

" Paige," whimpered the little girl as she wrapped her arms around Ray's neck.

Is my daddy going to be okay?"

* * *

" God, I hope your shift ended better than mine," Ray said to Abby as he grabbed his bag out of his locker. 

" Why? What happened?" she asked.

" I just told three kids all under the age of eight that their dad was dead.

The little girl just wrapped her arms around my neck and wouldn't stop crying."

" That sucks."

" Yeah," he replied as he walked out to the ambulance bay.

It was seven ten. Normally that meant going out to get plastered with Brett and the boys. Ray stifled a yawn as he climbed to the El platform. He was definitely not in the mood to party. The only thing he had on his mind as he sat down was getting to know his pillow.


	4. Calm Before The Storm

Author's Note: CHAPTER THREE IS A NEW CHAPTER. I REPLACED THE LITTLE NOTE. This is a shorter chapter. Kinda the calm before the storm of sorts.

* * *

Ray arrived home at 7:22 to find that Neela had already left for work. He tossed his bag on the couch before heading to the fridge. Upon opening it, he took out a pizza box and a bottle of beer. Ray settled into the couch and took a long swig of beer. After propping his bare feet up on the coffee table, he took out a piece of pepperoni and pineapple pizza and sank his teeth into it. He was lucky that Neela didn't enjoy the weird combination. It always meant that Ray had plenty of leftovers for himself.

* * *

Ray had just started on the third and final piece of pizza when the phone rang. 

" Hello?"

" Hey man!"

" Brett."

" Where the hell are you? We're all down at Junction 7 getting wasted. Why aren't you here?"

" I'm at home. Getting ready to turn in."

" Ahhh come on Ray. It's early. The party is just getting started."

" I had a long day at work. Look, I'll go out some other night," he explained as he hung up the phone. He finished the pizza and gathered his two beer bottles, carrying them over to the trash can. Ray had just turned off the T.V. when the phone rang again.

* * *

" Brett. I am NOT going to get plastered with you. Face it," he said. There was no reply so Ray hung up. Seconds later, it rang again. 

" Hello?" Yet again, there was no response. Knowing it was very possible that Brett was drunk dialing him, Ray hung up and called his friend's cell phone.

" Ahoy me matey."

" Brett, it's Ray. Did you just drunk dial me by chance?"

" Nah, but I just met this hot ass girl names Vanessa."

" Well, I'll let you get back to her," he said, hanging up.

Ray glanced at the phone with a puzzled look. Who was calling him? He

decided to ignore the phone calls as he headed for his bedroom. Ray took off

his jeans and placed them on a hook. He threw his t-shirt on a pile of dirty

clothes along with his undershirt. Wearing just his boxers, Ray slid into his bed,

burrowing himself under the covers. As he started to drift off to sleep, he took

the phone off the hook as a precaution. There would be no interruptions tonight.

No more mysterious calls. No coincidental drunk dialing. No messages on the

answering machine keeping him awake, thinking. Remembering. Nothing. Just

some much needed sleep.


	5. Spinning

Author's Note: I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to update. I had writer's block, then when that was resolved, it was time for me to move into school. So here is the newest chapter. I am over my writer's block, so there might be another update soon. You will get to meet the mystery lady in two chapters. Keep the reviews coming... I love them!

* * *

" Are you feeling okay?" asked Carter as Ray rolled into the ambulance bay the next morning, atop his skateboard.

Ray took off his headphones as he circled Carter.

" Huh?"

" You're early."

" Oh yeah. Guess I am," Ray replied.

" Are you sure you're okay? You're NEVER early."

" Dude. Chill. I'm fine. I actually got ten hours of sleep last night. I haven't gotten that much sleep it seems since I started my internship."

" Yeah, I can relate."

" Are you coming in? I've got shit loads of Dunkin' Donuts in my bag," said Ray as he picked up his board.

" Make sure that Pratt doesn't eat all of the jelly filled ones," Carter said as an ambulance pulled in.

" I'll see what I can do."

* * *

" Why didn't you answer the phone this morning?" demanded Neela as she entered the doctor's lounge to find Ray eating a donut. 

" Ummmph. I was shlee….." he muttered, his mouth full of chocolate and candy sprinkles.

" I was going to ask if you had any laundry you wanted me to take to the laundry room. I was going to make a trip when I got home."

" Oh. Sorry. I took the phone off the hook."

" What if there had been an emergency here and somebody had tried to call?" she said, scolding him.

" I had my pager on," he explained defensively as he took a sip of coffee."

" Whatever. Just promise me you aren't gonna bitch when you have to do your own laundry."

" I think I can manage Neela. I'm a big boy," Ray said sarcastically.

" That's debatable," Neela muttered as the door opened and Carter entered.

" Ray. Trauma's rolling up. Multi-victim MVA. Four car pile up on the freeway."

" Have fun," said Neela as she pulled on a jean jacket and left.

" Hey! Neela. There's a pile of clothes in a laundry basket in my room!" he shouted as he followed Carter out into the ambulance bay.

* * *

" Hey Ray. Neela's on Line 2 for you," announced Sam as Ray came out of an exam room with a disgusted look on his face. 

" What's wrong?" asked Carter, who was eating the jelly donut Ray had stashed for him.

" I just fished this out of some guy's ass," he said with an annoyed and somewhat angry look on his face. Ray withdrew a plastic baggy that held a banana.

" Is it real?" asked Sam as she looked at the bag curiously.

" Thankfully no. It's a good thing I don't like bananas," replied Ray.

" Hey Ray, I don't want this to sound kinky, but can I have it?" Carter asked.

" Let me get this straight. You want this plastic banana that was up somebody's ass?"

" Yeah. I've got a collection going," he explained.

" You have a what?" exclaimed Ray as Sam said,

" Ray. PHONE!"

" Who?"

" Neela. Line 2." Ray picked up the phone that was sitting behind him.

" Hey. Did you miss me?"

" Hardly," she replied in an angry sounding voice.

" What's your problem?"

" I have been home for less than three hours."

" Yeah, I can see that," he responded, looking at his watch that read 9:34.

" I have been home for exactly two hours and thirty five minutes and in those two hours and thirty five minutes, the phone has rang a total of ten times."

* * *

" Ten times?" asked Ray as his mind started to race. 

Was there anyone on the other end of the line?"

" Yeah. She kept calling and asking for you."

" She?" He could feel the color start to drain from his face.

" She asked me if the number she called was for a Ray Barnett. I told her yes."

" What else did she ask Neela? Did you tell her where I was?" he asked, attempting to lower his voice so those around him wouldn't hear the fear in it.

" She wanted to know if you were home."

" What did you tell her?"

" I told her you were at work. She asked what time you got off."

" Tell me that you didn't tell her where I worked Neela." Ray could feel the color continually drain from his cheeks.

" Ray, who the bloody hell is this woman to you? Why don't you want her to find you?"

" What else did you tell her?" he demanded, feeling slightly dizzy now.

" I told her you got off at seven. I asked if I could have her name so you would know she called."

" Did she give it to you?"

" No Ray. She didn't give me her name. She hung up before I could ask her."

" God. And she didn't say anything else? Ray asked as he started pacing back and forth, causing both Sam and Carter to look at him oddly.

" No. Ray, what is going on?"

" Nothing. It's fine. I'll take care of it. I'd suggest taking the phone off the hook," he replied before hanging up the phone.

" Something wrong?" asked Sam as she filed a chart.

" Everything's great," Ray said, flashing a meager smile as he ran his fingers through his hair.

" You look like you've just seen a ghost," remarked Carter as he grabbed the plastic bag containing the banana out of Ray's hand.

" I'm fine. Nothing's wrong," he said as he started away from the counter. Suddenly, everything around Ray began spinning.

So what exactly are you going to do with that banana?" he asked before collapsing to the floor.


	6. Revelations

Author's Note: I am sorry about the delay in posting this chapter. I originally was aiming to have this chapter posted by the season premiere of ER, but I wasn't comfortable where the chapter was. Each week I said I was going to post to coincide with the episode...and had lovely writer's block. But here it is, nice and long. I promise you will get to meet the mystery lady in the next chapter. I was going to introduce her at the end of this chapter, but it was getting too long. Enjoy, read, and review.

* * *

"Ray!" shouted Carter as he jumped up and rushed to the side of the counter. Ray was laying on his side, unconscious.

" Ray!" he shouted again as he gently shook Ray's limp body.

Sam, get me a gurney."

" What the hell happened?" she asked as she brought a gurney over.

" You know about as much as I do," Carter answered as he rolled Ray onto his back.

" His pulse is steady," Sam noted.

" Let's get him up on the gurney," instructed Carter as he grabbed Ray underneath the shoulders. Sam did the same, grabbing him by the ankles.

" Frank, what's open?" asked Carter as they transferred Ray's body.

" Exam Two." With that, the two pushed the bed into the empty exam room.

" Let's get a set of vitals," Carter said to Sam, who was all ready hooking Ray up to a pulse-ox machine.

" Do you want me to start an IV?" she asked as she walked over to a supply cabinet.

" Yeah, let's start him on Saline and draw a CBC," he said as Ray started to stir.

" He's waking up," Sam pointed out as she brought the necessary equipment to the side of Ray's bed

" Ray? Can you hear me?" asked Carter as Ray's eyes opened.

" Mhmm. What the hell happened?" mumbled Ray as he brought his hand to his forehead.

" You passed out," explained Carter.

" My head hurts like a son of a bitch," was the reply.

" You probably gave it a good knock when you fell," he said as he removed a pen light from his pocket, shining it into each of Ray's eyes.

" So what do you think it is?" Ray asked as Carter raised the head of the bed.

" It's probably just a simple case of syncope. Have you been under an unusual amount of stress lately?" Ray laughed.

" What do you think?"

" I'll take that as a yes," Carter replied.

* * *

" Hey Ray, I need you to take your coat off. It'll be a little easier for me."

" A little easier for what?" asked a skeptical and clueless Ray as Sam helped him slide off his coat.

" I'm going to have Sam draw for a CBC and Chem 7 just to make sure your levels are okay. I'm also going to have her start you on some Saline, " said Carter as he wrote something on a chart. Out of the corner of his eye, Ray saw Sam reach for the needle that was attached to the IV tubing. He could hear the high pitched beeping of the EKG machine get faster as he did so.

" Are you feeling okay?" questioned Carter as Abby entered.

" Hey Carter. Mr. Franklin is back. He wants to know if you're available."

" I'm a little busy," he said, acknowledging Ray. Abby first looked over at Sam who was still holding the needle in her hand and then at a panicked looking Ray.

" Good luck with the IV. He's belonephobic."

" What the hell is a belonephobic?" asked Sam and Carter in unison.

" He has a thing with needles. Remember how it took him three months to get his flu shot last winter?"

" How'd you do it?" asked Sam.

" The element of surprise," replied Abby as she took the IV from Sam. Ray turned his attention now to Abby.

" Did you have to divulge that information?" he hissed between his teeth.

" It's not like I told them you sing in the shower or anything. Believe me. If you knew some of the stuff Neela has told me about you, you'd kill her."

" I take pride in singing in the shower, thank you very much. The acoustics are great," he retorted.

" How about that Britney Spears CD you own?" Abby questioned, causing Carter to begin laughing.

" Okay. Bret bought that for me as a jo….. OW," he said, wincing as he looked over at his right arm. Blood was collecting in a vial that was attached to a needle, which in turn was sticking out of Ray's elbow.

" Thanks Sam."

" Don't mention it," she said with a smile as she stuck a cotton ball to the crook of his elbow, securing it with a piece of tape.

* * *

" I didn't know you were a closet Britney Spears fan Ray," Carter said as his laughter subsided.

" Like I was saying, my friend Bret bought it for me as a joke for my birthday a few years ago."

" You know, Neela also told me about that time when you played a gig at Delilah's in drag."

" Okay. First of all, it was Halloween. Second of all, the guys paid me fifty bucks to do it."

" From what I heard, you make a pretty convincing woman Barnett."

" Abby, I'd suggest keeping your mouth shut, or else."

" Or else what? I'm the one holding the needle. A needle that just happens to be very, very sharp," Abby answered as she watched Ray's face turn green.

" Can we just get this over with? I'm scared of what might come out of your mouth next," he said.

" Oh. Like how the outfit included black fishnet stockings and combat boots? Or what about the black mini-skirt? Neela said that you also had on a……" Abby was interrupted by another yelp as she inserted the IV into Ray's left forearm.

" Remind me to kill Neela when I get home," Ray remarked as he closed his eyes.

Can I get something for this headache?"

" Sam, get him some Morphine. I'm going to go see if I can manage to drag Pratt in early to cover your shift."

" I'm sure he's going to be thrilled to come back," Ray muttered as Sam injected the Morphine into his IV.

" I'm gonna run these off to the lab. I'll be back to check on you later," she said as the three left Ray by himself.

' Minus the needles, this definitely beats working,' he thought to himself as he closed his eyes yet again.

* * *

" Your CBC and Chem 7 came back normal," Carter announced as he entered Ray's room nearly an hour later.

Other than being slightly anemic, everything checks out."

" So, vasovagal syncope brought on by stress," predicted Ray.

" That would be my guess. Not too many people try to take on a residency and a music career at the same time."

" What can I say? I'm multi-talented. So did you get Pratt to come back in?" he asked, changing the subject.

" Yeah. He mentioned something about Madden 2005 and kicking your ass because he had to stop playing. Luckily, he's in the middle of a trauma right now, so you've bought yourself some time."

" So when exactly do I get to leave? I hate being on this side of the bed."

" Lewis says that you are not allowed to sign out AMA unless you want to work nights for a month. I'm not going to sign off until the IV's run out, so you're pretty much stuck here for a few hours."

" Great. So I pretty much just sit here."

" I can get all of the med students to come in and present their cases if you'd rather do that."

" No offense, but I think I'll manage."

" I figured that much," Carter said as he exited again.

* * *

An hour later, Ray found himself bored to tears. Despite the dream like state the Morphine had provided, he couldn't manage to sleep. Pushing down the side railing, Ray grabbed a hold of the IV stand that held the IVs and exited the room. He was immediately greeted with the usual chaos that consumed the ER.

" Feeling better?" asked Sam as Ray took a seat on a stool.

" Bored is more like it. Did you know there are one hundred and fifty two ceiling tiles in Exam 2?" he questioned.

" That bored?"

" Yeah. I'd sign out AMA, but somebody won't let me," Ray said, looking towards Susan, who was working on a chart.

" I didn't say you couldn't. I just said that if you did, you'd be working nights for a month. Plus, I don't want you going anywhere incase you start having symptoms again."

" Come on. It's vasovagal syncope brought on by stress. It was an isolated incident."

" You don't know that. It could be an indication of further medical problems," argued Susan.

" Trust me Dr. Lewis, I am one hundred percent healthy."

" You just passed out."

" If you don't mind me asking, what's eating you?" asked Ray.

" I don't know which is worse. My husband or my son," she answered as the phone rang. Sam picked it up then put it down soon after.

" That was Frank. He's having car trouble. He's going to be late."

" Perfect. Ray, you can answer the phones until Frank gets here," said Susan

" I passed out, remember? I'm a patient."

" Do I look like I care Barnett? Answer the damned phones. Maybe it will enhance your people skills."

" I better be getting paid for this," was his remark as Susan walked off.


	7. Deep Breath

Author's note: I am SOOOOO sorry it's taken me this long to update. Gotta love college life. I typed so many versions of this chapter it isn't funny. I was going to add the mystery lady into this chapter, but it got too damn long. You will DEFINITELY meet her in the next chapter. I already have most of it written, just have to put the finishing touches on. If I ever take this long to update again, I will personally give you my home address so you can hunt me down and force me to update lol. Enjoy and please review!

* * *

" Hello. County General. No, we can't treat your dog. This is a hospital for humans, not for animals."

"Hello. County General. Yes. You're bleeding? From where? Ms. Jeffries, how many times do I have to tell you? You're having a menstrual cycle, NOT a baby."

Hello. County General. She ate what? How much? I assure you, like it says on the bottle, Elmer's Glue is non-toxic."

" Hello. County General. She got her foot stuck in what? No, you're going to need to call the fire department. No. Our paramedics are not equipped to perform an extrication of this sort. Can I what? Can I send over a doctor or a surgeon? What do you think? Hello? Hello?" Ray hung the phone up.

" Who was that?" asked Sam.

" Some kid got her foot stuck in the toilet. The mom wanted to know if we'd send someone out to remove it."

" That's okay. Some lady called a few days ago. Apparently her son had swallowed two goldfish and she was afraid that they would mate in his stomach."

" What did you tell her?"

" Only if one happened to be a male and the other one was a female. Susan and I were laughing for a good ten minutes over that one," she said as the phone rang again.

" Hello. County General ER. Oh, hey bud. Yeah. She's right here." Ray covered the mouthpiece of the phone.

Sam, it's Alex."

" Thanks," she replied as she took the phone.

* * *

Ray sat at the admit desk, ready to lost the remaining bit of patience he had. Frank was now running over an hour late. He had played so many games of solitaire he found himself wanting to go back to his bed and count the ceiling tiles in Spanish. Backwards. Ray closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the phone began ringing again.

" Hello. County General ER. Is this the what? No. This is the hospital. Not County Pizza Kitchen. You'd like what? Sir. We don't sell pizzas. Are you deaf? We don't sell pizzas!" Ray shouted as he hung up the phone.

" Another call for the County Pizza Kitchen?" asked Frank as he walked up to the counter.

" Thank god. I don't know how you do it man."

" It's usually the drunks that call for the pizza," Frank said as he picked up a stack of papers and moved them over to a filing cabinet.

" Well, if you've got this covered, I'm going to go find somebody to take this damn thing out," Ray said, indicating the almost empty IV.

" Have you ever had a catheter? Those things hurt like a son of a bitch."

" So I've heard," Ray replied as a buzz sounded and Sam walked in from the waiting room.

" Ray. There's a lady out in the waiting room looking for you."

" Tell her I'm not working today." Sam shot him a strange look.

" You were until you passed out."

" How can I treat a patient if I'm a patient myself?" he challenged.

What does she look like?"

" A little taller than me. Brown hair. Green eyes."

" Would she by chance be anywhere in her late thirties to early forties?"

" I don't know Ray. Let me go ask her when her damned birthday is," Sam answered sarcastically.

" Could you?" he asked, even though he knew who Sam was talking about.

" You know, you must have hit your head pretty hard. Do you seriously want me to go ask that woman for her birth date?"

" Look, just tell her I'm not working today, okay?"

" Sorry, but I all ready told her you were here."

" Then tell that you're mistaken. Tell her I went home early. Just get her to leave."

" I don't feel right doing that."

" Look Sam," he hissed, "if you don't go tell her that I went home early, I'll report you to the nursing administrator for defying a doctor's orders."

" You've got to be kidding me!" Sam exclaimed as Carter approached the two of them.

" What's going on here?"

" Nothing. Sam was just getting ready to go back out into the waiting room and tell a woman that I'm not available to see her."

" I was not!"

" Wait a minute. What woman?"

" There's a woman out in chairs that wants to see Ray."

" He's not seeing patients right now." Ray looked at Sam with a smug grin on his face. Sam stood, looking defeated.

" What do you want me to tell her?" she asked.

" Just tell her that he's not available to see patients at the moment and that another doctor will be with her as soon as possible."

" Good luck," Ray said as Sam pushed a button and walked back out into the waiting room. Turning to Carter, Ray held out his left arm.

" Can you take this damned thing out?"

" Patience is definitely not one of your virtues Barnett," replied Carter as he retrieved a pair of gloves, a cotton ball, and a bandage from a supply cart. He had just finished applying the cotton ball and band aid when Sam came back through the doors.

" She didn't seem too happy with my answer. She says that she doesn't want to see another doctor and that she won't leave until she sees you Ray." Ray turned to look at Carter.

" I'll take care of this," he said as he hit the button and walked into the waiting room, leaving Sam and Ray behind. Ray grew silent as Sam glared at him.

" What the hell is your problem Ray?"

" My problems are none of your damn business." With that, he turned away from Sam only to see Carter coming back through the doors.

" Did she leave?"

" Do you want me to call security?" asked Carter, acknowledging that Ray's 'guest' was still outside. Ray closed his eyes before taking a deep breath. He knew things would just get uglier if security was dragged into things.

" Ray?" Looking up, Ray found himself saying,

" No. I'll go talk to her."

" Are you sure?"

" I really don't have a choice," he replied as he took another deep breath before hitting the button. This was it. It was finally time. After ten years of avoiding her, Ray was about to confront her. The woman that gave him life. And the one that nearly took it away. His mother.


	8. Going Under

* * *

He felt his hands trembling as he hit the button. For ten years now he had been imagining this day. Confronting her. Asking her why. The doors opened and Ray stepped through them. He was really going to do this. His eyes scanned the room and immediately spotted her in a corner, her back turned to him. Her stringy brown hair was pulled into a ponytail. He could smell the scent of pot from across the room. It wasn't a surprise to him that she was using again. She had never been able to stay clean back then. She had sworn up and down to him that she was clean, but Ray knew better. As Ray stepped closer, she turned around at the sound of his footsteps. 

" Ray. Sweetie. There you are."

" What are you doing here Mindy?" he asked, getting straight to the point. She always had an agenda.

" I just wanted to see my son."

" Bullshit. What is it this time? Are you looking for money for your next fix? Huh? Did your sleaze bag boyfriend get arrested and you need bail money? What the hell do you want? Cause whatever it is, I'll give it to you so you can leave."

" Can't a mother visit her son?" she asked, her hazel eyes looking desperately at Ray.

" You stopped being my mother Mindy when you tried to kill me," Ray stated.

" Ray. I'm sorry about that. I told you it was an accident. I didn't mean to do it."

" An accident my ass. You don't just take a six inch butcher knife and stab someone in the gut with it accidentally," he yelled, not really caring who heard.

" I was high Ray. I was high. I didn't mean to do it."

" Oh that's right. You were high. Cause that's an acceptable excuse. You were high. Is that what you told the judge? That you got high and proceeded to chase your son around the house with a butcher knife and stick it into his gut because he was late? Huh?"

" Ray."

" I would have died if Kellie hadn't come over when she did. She found me in a pool of blood hours later. I had an unbelievable amount of internal bleeding. It took over seventy stitches to close my stomach. I was in the hospital for three weeks and then in foster care for over a freaking year."

" But they acquitted me."

" Yeah, but that's because the stupid judge declared a mistrial. The idiot didn't know his ass from his elbow."

" I tried hard Ray. Don't think for a second that I didn't try hard to be a good mother."

" The first night I was back in your hellhole of a house, you and your stoned boyfriend took turns beating the shit out of me Mindy."

" That was all Ben's fault."

" It's always someone else's fault isn't it? It's never you Mindy. It's never you."

" Hear me out Ray. Please. I want to make it up to you," she pleaded as she reached out to touch his shoulder.

" Don't touch me," he said, jerking away from her.

" I want us to be able to have a relationship." Taking his wallet from his pocket, Ray shoved fifty dollars at her.

" I don't want to ever see you again. Just take the money and stay out of my life." With that, Ray turned and walked back to where a shocked Sam and Carter stood.

* * *

" If she doesn't leave in five minutes, call the cops." Ray continued to the locker room, where he quickly grabbed his skateboard and book bag from his locker. Slamming the door shut, he walked back out into the ER. Ray could feel the eyes looking at him as he approached Carter, who was standing at the nurse's station.

Where are my discharge papers?"

" They're right here," Carter replied slowly as he grabbed Ray's chart from a rack. Ray took the chart from Carter and signed the designated papers then shoved them back at Carter.

" We can talk about this," Carter shouted as Ray walked away. Ignoring him, Ray put on his headphones and stepped outside. Not wanting to think about what had just happened, he jumped onto his skateboard and headed home.

_Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
50,000 tears I cry  
Screaming,  
Deceiving,  
And bleeding for you  
And you still won't hear me  
Don't want your hand this time  
I'll save myself  
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)  
Not tormented daily defeated by you  
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom_

_evanescence going under_


	9. Running On Empty

AUTHOR'S NOTE-Look everybody!!! I'm not dead. I just had some major writer's block combined with LIFE lol. I'm currently only watching ER for the few Ray scenes that exist. So for those Ray fans of you, here is something to get you through the gaps. I've got some good stuff coming up, including a Carter/Ray encounter/convo. Plus my favorite part of the story that's been written in my head for god knows how long...let's just say we haven't seen the last of Mindy.

* * *

" Ray, is that you?," Neela yelled from her bedroom as she heard the door slam. She walked out into the living room to find Ray rummaging through the fridge.

" Carter called from the hospital. He told me about how you passed out. He wanted to make sure that you got home all right." Ray feigned a smile as he pulled out two beers.

" Yeah. Tell him I'm doing great," he said sarcastically.

" You know you shouldn't be drinking with the pain medication still in your system."

" Ask me if I care," replied Ray as he went into his bedroom and slammed the door. Soon after, the sound of loud, angry guitar riffs overwhelmed the silence. Neela simply groaned and walked back into her bedroom to get her shoes. She was going to be late for work.

* * *

" Neela. Carter's looking for you," Abby reported as Neela entered the lounge.

" Did he say what he wanted?" she asked as she put on her lab coat and grabbed her stethoscope from her locker.

" You haven't heard?"

" Heard what?"

" It's probably better if he told you what happened. I just heard it from Pratt and he heard it from Morris."

" Do you know where he is?"

" Last I saw him, he was in Trauma Three checking on a patient."

" Okay." Neela walked out of the lounge and headed for Trauma Three. She was almost glad to see that the ER wasn't extremely busy. Taking a right she walked into Trauma Three. Carter looked up as he heard the door open.

" Abby said you were looking for me."

" Let's go in here," Carter said as he walked next door to the empty exam room.

Did Ray get home before you left?"

" Yeah. He wasn't in the mood for talking though it seemed. He locked himself in his room with a few beers and started playing his guitar as loudly as possible. What happened? I mean, after he passed out and everything."

" Neela, what do you know about Ray's past?" questioned Carter.

" Not much. Just that he used to live in California and that he left home when he was sixteen."

" Do you know why he left home?"

" No, just that he came to live here with an aunt or something."

" Apparently his mother tried to kill him."

" What?!" exclaimed a shocked Neela.

" His mother showed up here this afternoon. Apparently when Ray was about fifteen his mother tried to kill him. She was high on pot. He came home late or something and she chased him around the house with a six inch butcher knife." Neela gasped in horror.

After she stabbed him in the stomach he spent a year in foster care but the judge somehow declared a mistrial and gave her back custody. She and her boyfriend at the time proceeded to physically abuse Ray as soon as he returned home."

" How do you know all of this?"

" Ray confronted his mother at the top of his lungs in the waiting room. Sam and I heard every word."

" I never knew," she said in disbelief.

" Look. I want you to go over to your place once we've slowed down to make sure he's okay. Because what I saw before he left was definitely not okay."

* * *

His fingers were pressed hard against the frets as he strummed the strings of his guitar with an equal amount of force. He could feel the walls shake as his playing got louder and angrier. It was only a matter of time until the neighbors started knocking on his door. He could really care less at the moment. Let the neighbors knock on the damn door until their knuckles turned white. Suddenly he felt a string snap between his fingers.

" God damn it" Ray shouted as he grabbed one of the beer bottles and threw it at the wall. It shattered, sending a shower of glass to the floor. Picking up the guitar, Ray walked out into the kitchen and grabbed a bottled of tequila before he sat down in the living room. After taking a long swig from the bottle, Ray grabbed a pair of pliers and began untwisting the bottom string, taking multiple swallows as he did so.

Fifteen minutes later the string was back in place and the bottle of tequila was rapidly disappearing. Ray had already finished the nearly 2/3 of the bottle. The queasiness in his stomach and the lightheaded feelings were not going to stop him from finishing the rest of it. He had just finished a rather awful and drunken attempt at tuning the guitar when the phone rang.

" Hello?"

" Hey man. It's Brett." What's up?"

" Jose and I were just tuning the guitar."

" Cool. So Dave just called. A bunch of people are hanging out at Elliott's place and he wanted to know if we wanted to come over."

" I don't really feel like being around a lot of people right now," he said, hesitating before confiding in the only person that actually knew the most about his past.

Mindy's in Chicago."

" Since when?"

" Apparently she's been here for a few days. She showed up at the hospital today."

" What did you do?"

" I pretty much told my life's story at the top of my lungs before I shoved fifty bucks in the bitch's face and pretty much told her to go to hell. The bad news is, now everyone is going to know about it. I'm going to go to work and everyone is going to give me all of that sugar coated sympathy. They're going to try to get me to talk about it and do some bogus counseling shit. I guarantee it."

" Tell them to shove it."

" I wish I could. Seriously. Brett, I'd rather that they not know. I don't know if I can go through this again. It's taken me almost these past ten years to make sense of everything and to come to grips with it. Hell, I barely made it through college or my first years of med school."

" Dude. I remember. I was the one drinking with you. Tell you what. I don't really feel like hanging out with Dave and Elliott. I'll come over and we can hang out like we used to. Just you, me, the booze, our guitars, and……"

" The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Ray finished.

" Give me ten minutes to stop at Blockbuster and Hanks," he said, naming a liquor store.

" Deal."

* * *

" It was so funny. The other day, this smoking hot lady comes into the ER. Her name was Leslie. Morris immediately beelines for her, thinking he's going to get some. He takes her into a room and everyone loses it. Turns out Leslie was actually a DUDE formerly known as Lester. Janelle, one of the temp nurses, used to work in a gender reassignment clinic and recognized her."

" Don't you mean him?" asked Brett as he picked up the bottle between he and Ray.

We're on empty," he said as Ray attempted to get up beside him. Considering the volume of alcohol he had consumed, the simple task proved to be difficult as he grasped onto the corner of a table. With the bottle of tequila in one hand, Ray attempted to pull Brett up using his free hand and almost fell over.

" Dude. What's going on?"

" Let's do the Timewarp!" Ray proclaimed in a drunken slur as the music began playing onscreen.

" You start. I'm going to go get sick in your bathroom," replied Brett as he stumbled to the bathroom in a hurry. Ray closed his eyes as he tried to brush aside the extreme nausea that was tugging at his stomach. Counting to ten, he opened them back up only to discover that the room had begun spinning. The room around him was enveloped in a fuzzy blackness as he found himself passing out on the couch.


End file.
